My Goals (and Un-Goals) for 2020

The approaching of a new year means new beginnings and new goals. I have the amazing ability of getting stuck in a rut and judging myself harshly for it, so January 1 is like my grace and hope filled reset button.

I didn’t complete every single goal I set out to accomplish in 2019. But I did complete a good number of them. And for the ones I didn’t complete, I’m definitely much farther along from a year ago. I’d rather set a goal and have progress than not set a goal and not move forward! To help me make progress this past year, I tried out Powersheets from Cultivate What Matters. It’s a tool that helps you articulate and track your goals. I loved it so much I’m using them again this year.

My Goals for 2020

1. Cultivate a prophetic ear + a rule of life.

This is what everything else in my life will flow from.

(If you’re wondering what a rule of life is, it’s simply a plan for spiritual disciplines within daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly rhythms. If you want to know more about a rule of life, you can learn more about it in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, by Peter Scazzero and Sacred Rhythms, by Ruth Haley Barton.)

2. Love my people and the people in my circle of influence well.

This means meals, coffee dates, hospitality, and life in the mundane.

3. Save, spend, and give money meaningfully.

Track my spending and create a budget!

Buy no more than 10 clothing/shoe/jewelry items…the whole year.

4. Send my book proposal to a literary agent (or 20).

This means I have to finish writing my book proposal!

5. One fun thing every month.

What is fun? Nothing that involves striving or productivity, and not something I do every/most weeks.

This is a goal I’m bringing back from last year because it was so life giving and I want to keep growing in this area. (And the fact that I have to make fun a goal in order to do it lets me know I still have a lot of growing to do!)

7. Project Dream Room: make our home library beautiful.

This is another goal I’m bringing back from last year. I made some baby steps, but our home library still looks like a disaster.

8. Love my body.

Take care of it. Nourish it. Make it strong. Be grateful for it.

*****

Un-Goals

It’s a great practice to have positive goals where we want to accomplish things or make changes in our lives, but we can’t do that if we’re just adding more and more things to our to-do lists. There comes a point where we can’t add anymore. We have to say “no” to things so we can say “yes” to the things that matter most.

So here are a couple of my Un-Goals for 2020:

1. Read less books and read slower. (My Goodreads goal: 5 books) Don’t read out of obligation or self-imposed pressure. Don’t let books clutter my mind.

2. No buying any bags or pouches. I’m obsessed with bags and bags I can put in bags! I have enough. So unless someone breaks in our house and steals every bag and pouch I own, I’m not buying another one for at least a year.

*****

When I get to the end of 2020, I don’t want to be full of guilt and regret. I want to know I lived the abundant life God ordered for me.

So let’s do this! Let’s enter this new year (and decade!) with expectation, intention, and a whole lot of grace!

Books I Loved in 2019

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After my post about my year of 100 books, people have asked me what books I enjoyed in 2019. Listed in the order that I read them, here’s a list of my favorites—the ones that moved me, the ones that opened my eyes, the ones I can’t stop recommending, and the ones I want to read again and again.

1. The Good Neighbor: The Life and Work of Fred Rogers, by Maxwell King

Mister Rogers made a huge impact on my life. So of course, I couldn’t pass up the first full-length biography of one of my childhood heroes. Bonus: the audiobook is read by LeVar Burton, another one of my childhood heroes!

2. The Nightingale, by Kristin Hannah

I believe reading novels is important. They make us more empathetic, creative, and articulate. This one made me cry!

3. The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure, by Jonathan Haidt

Wanna understand Gen Z? This is the book to read!

4. Come Matter Here: Your Invitation to Be Here in a Getting There World, by Hannah Brencher

This book challenged me with Brencher’s vulnerability about depression, loneliness, and the struggles of adulthood.

5. Faith in the Shadows: Finding Christ in the Midst of Doubt, by Austin Fischer

I couldn’t stop highlighting as I read this book. If you’re struggling with your faith, battling doubt, or feeling disillusioned by Fundamentalism, you want to read this book!

6. The Color of Compromise: The Truth about the American Church’s Complicity in Racism, by Jemar Tisby

This book is a must read. It hurts in all the right ways! In addition to being a hope-filled vision for the Church in regard to racial issues, it is a beautiful example of how to dig into history and also how to properly interpret Scripture.

7. Silence and Beauty: Hidden Faith Born of Suffering, by Makoto Fujimura

Wow. This book is about art, literature, culture, suffering and trauma, Japan, the gospel…Almost every page in my book is marked. I had high expectations before I began reading it and it exceeded them.

8. Miss Mink: Life Lessons for a Cat Countess, by Janet Hill

This is a picture book. It’s ridiculous and I love it!

9. The Actor’s Life: A Survival Guide, by Jenna Fischer

This book is for aspiring actors, but it has so much wisdom for anyone wanting to go into an artistic field. Also, the audiobook version is fabulous.

10. Spiritual Rhythms for the Enneagram: A Handbook for Harmony and Transformation, by Adele & Doug Calhoun and Clare and Scott Loughrige

This book goes beyond knowledge about the Enneagram and delves into how we can partner with God to do the transformative work in our lives.

11. You Are the Girl for the Job: Daring to Believe the God Who Calls You, by Jess Connolly

This book is for anyone who has doubted themselves or is struggling to take the next step (or even first step) in what they feel called to do. The author packs this book with so much practical advice, wisdom, encouragement—and no fluff!

“We are the girls for the job because of the God of all capacity who not only calls us but equips us, and dwells within us, enabling us to carry out His plans. We are able to live, to love, to move, to repair, to receive, to heal, to hope because of Him. We are the girls for this job, for this season, for this life, for the joy and blessing of those around us at this appointed time because God has placed us here. He’s called us to be his ambassadors, and he doesn’t make mistakes.”

This book will fill you with a fire and give you tools to move forward and run on mission.

12. Sacred Rhythms: Arranging Our Lives for Spiritual Transformation, by Ruth Haley Barton

I needed this book. It has shifted my prayer life, my daily and weekly rhythms, how I view my body…It challenges you to go deeper into spiritual disciplines while breaking them down to make them practical and accessible.

What I Learned in My Year of 100 Books

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One of my goals for 2019 was to read/listen to 100 books. I was able to achieve (and surpass) this goal by carrying a book with me everywhere I go and using Hoopla, an app that allows you to borrow audiobooks from your local library.

Here’s some stuff I learned from my year of 100 books:

– I enjoy listening to audiobooks when I’m in slow moving traffic.

– 100 books is too many books for me in the span of one year. I often found myself hurrying to gulp down books to achieve my 100 book goal. And the hurry took away the joy and my ability to think about what I had read. Many books are like a hot cup of tea; they need time.

– I want to listen to more podcasts.  There are some podcasts I started listening to, but I’m way behind because there are only so many hours in a day when I can read and listen to audiobooks. In my year of 100 books, podcasts were too hard to fit.

– A lot of book titles are better than the books themselves.

– Not every book is worth my time. Before this year, I wanted to read all the books. I still love books, but I no longer want to read all of them. I want to read all the good books. Life is too short to waste reading books that don’t challenge, or grow, or delight me. On a related note…

– It’s okay to not finish a book.

– I need quiet in my life. And books—even though you can have quiet while you’re reading—can be noise for my mind. Yes, there are books that are a welcome escape. But sometimes my mind doesn’t need an escape; sometimes my mind needs to be present in this very moment.

So what’s my reading goal for 2020? To read less. That’s right. I want to read less. If I read 5 good books in 2020, that’s enough for me!

My Favorite Enneagram Resources

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If you and I were to sitting down for coffee, it wouldn’t take long before the topic of the Enneagram came up. I LOVE talking about the Enneagram!

Why? Because I love getting to know people and understanding them at a deeper level. But here’s the thing: I naturally put people into a box of what my own personality looks like and I struggle to see things from other people’s point of view. The Enneagram helps me “get” people better.

If you want to learn more about the Enneagram, there’s a plethora of great resources out there and it can get quite overwhelming trying to figure out where to start. So to help you out, here’s a list of some of my favorite resources.

Website

The Enneagram Institute – If you don’t know where to begin, this is the perfect place to start. This site has easy-to-navigate descriptions of the nine types. It also has a reliable and affordable test if you’re struggling to figure out which type is yours.

Books

The Road Back to You – This is a great primer for understanding the nine types.

The Path Between Us – I personally enjoyed this book more than The Road Back to You because it deals with our relationships with others. The book description on its Amazon page says, “Most of us have no idea how others see or process their experiences. And that can make relationships hard, whether with intimate partners, with friends, or in our professional lives. Understanding the motivations and dynamics of these different personality types can be the key that unlocks sometimes mystifying behavior in others―and in ourselves. This book from Suzanne Stabile on the nine Enneagram types and how they behave and experience relationships will guide readers into deeper insights about themselves, their types, and others’ personalities so that they can have healthier, more life-giving relationships.”

The Sacred Enneagram – I’ve never felt more seen than when I read this book. I will probably read this book again and again throughout my lifetime.

Instagram Accounts

@justmyenneatype

Music

Sleeping At Last – It may seem weird to have a music section on a post like this, but I can’t leave out Sleeping At Last’s enneagram-based songs. The music and lyrics of each of these songs are carefully crafted to reflect of the types in a way that words alone cannot.

Stuff for Your Home

All Good Things Collective Enneagram Line – The thing I love about these prints and canvases is that they have two for each type—one that focuses on each type’s strength and one that focuses on each type’s weakness.

Enneagram & Coffee – Because coffee.

 

If you’re wondering why I didn’t list any podcasts, it’s because I don’t listen to podcasts much. I don’t have anything against them, I’m just not a podcast person.

What are your favorite Enneagram resources? Tell me in the comments. 🙂

Overture for the Year

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It took me a long time to decide my goals for this year. For me, year goals are important. I’m the type of person who’s constantly working on improving myself—I’m a 1 on the Enneagram—but having times of reset helps me evaluate my progress and recalibrate. So months before this new year, I spent a lot of time dreaming and asking God for direction.

In an episode of The Office, the Dunder Mifflin employees were watching Andy perform in a musical. As Michael Scott was muttering something at the start of the performance, Darryl said, “Shh. If we don’t listen to the overture, we won’t recognize the musical themes when they come back later.” That’s what this post is: an overture for this year. You’ll see these themes in my writing. And hopefully, as this year progresses, those who do life with me will see these themes become more and more woven into the fabric of my life.

My Goals for 2019

1. Love well. 

I want my life to be marked by love.

I want to love God well. I want to love my husband well. I want to push myself beyond my introvert tendencies and love my friends well over cups of coffee. I want to love my students and the people I minister to well, going beyond requirements and pouring my heart into their lives.

2. Cultivate a prophetic ear.

I want to cultivate a prophetic ear so I can have a prophetic voice. I don’t mean I want to stand on a street corner with a sign warning of the end of the world. I want to be a voice that speaks life and hope and change into my culture and generation. And this starts with something simple: less noise and more prayer.

3. Spend money meaningfully.

I’ve got three subgoals for this one:

  • Live on a budget.
  • Be generous.
  • Slow/ethical fashion. (I know that’s not a complete sentence, but I’m still trying to figure this one out and this is going to be a year of learning.)

4. Write a book proposal.

This one scares me because I had this goal last year and didn’t come close to achieving it. And when I realized it wasn’t going to happen, I was filled with guilt. But the end of this year, my book proposal doesn’t have to be completely finished, but I want to make significant progress towards being done.

5. Grow into the performer I want to be.

I want to keep refining my craft, to be a more secure performer, to have a stronger vision for what I want each piece to be, and to push my artistry and ask more of the music.

6. Love what I see in the mirror.

My perfectionism makes it tough to look at myself in the mirror. This year, I want to cultivate healthy rhythms of exercise and rest. But more than that, I want to look in the mirror and see beauty regardless of my weight, hair, or makeup.

Also, I want to dress like an adult…because I’m 37 years old and don’t need to wear Hello Kitty and three separate patterns. It’s time to limit my outfits to one cutesy thing at a time. Again, progress.

7. Donate healthy hair.

When I was diagnosed with lupus, I lost about half my hair. Because of scarring on my scalp, the doctors weren’t sure how much of it would grow back. The long, healthy hair that falls on my back is part of my testimony. It is an Ebenezer reminding me that God has brought me this far. But a few months ago, I realized that I can’t just let my hair grow out forever. So this year, I’m paying it forward.

8. Make the library in our house a place where I want to be.

This is my decluttering goal.

9. Read/listen to 100 books.

How will I do this? I’m an avid reader, but my husband introduced me to a game changer: Hoopla. An app where I can borrow audiobooks for free? Yes, please!

10. Do at least one fun thing every month.

The fact that I made this a goal this year is already a sign of growth. This goal may sound frivolous, but my struggle to intentionally take time to have fun has worn on my mind, emotions, and even my body. And to be perfectly honest, this is the goal I’m scared of the most.

A quick note about goals: As this year began, I didn’t expect sudden change. If I would’ve done that, I would have already felt like a failure and given up. I’m approaching this year looking for progress, not perfection. So if you’ve started this new year feeling like you’ve already messed up your New Year’s resolutions and goals, that’s okay! The year’s not over!

 

I Can’t Do This

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I was behind on my book writing schedule. Days of trying to write left me mentally fatigued and overwhelmed with my inability to produce something that wasn’t trash. I was at the end of myself and I broke down in tears.

God, I can’t do this, but You can.

You—whose voice can thunder and break the cedars

whispered this dream into my heart.

You—who spoke life into existence

can speak this book into being.

Amen.

On this day, these were the only words I wrote that I didn’t immediately discard, their substance making up for their small number. Words raised towards Heaven are never wasted; they’re the ones that can change everything.

I’m Writing a Book!

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“You should write a book,” people said again and again. And each time, my answer was the same:

“Thanks, but I don’t think so.”

I’m not the type of person who writes books. I’m someone who sits at a piano all day to teach and perform, or someone who gets up in front of a crowd to preach. I love journaling and blogging, but write a book? Nope. Not me.

But something changed the moment the strip on the pregnancy test did not turn blue and I had to face the realization that I would never hold a child in my arms that I once carried in my belly. In that moment, the optimism people knew me for disappeared and I became broken and empty. I woke up every morning in tears, struggling to find a reason to get out of bed. My world became dark and I was desperate for even a sliver of light.

I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t read my Bible. Even though my husband—who is on staff at a church—never pressured me to go to church, I felt obligated to go. And it was a struggle; there were Sundays when I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. And on the days when I found the strength to drag myself to church, I couldn’t sing along to the worship songs; I just sat in my pew and wept.

I couldn’t feel God, I could no longer see His hand in my life, and His overwhelming silence made me feel rejected and unwanted. But just because I couldn’t feel God didn’t mean He wasn’t there. And what I couldn’t see during this season—but I see clearly now—is that while I did a terrible job of clinging to God, God did a wonderful job at clinging to me.

Little by little, I felt God’s comfort, slivers of light quietly invading my darkness. And one day, when my broken faith was barely a small shard of what it once was, it was enough to give me the emotional strength to open my Bible and wrestle with my Creator. God answered my disappointment with comfort, hope, and purpose. In a previous post, I wrote about this moment and shared, “God drowned my wilderness and flooded me with His comfort.” What I didn’t write in that post is what He whispered after He comforted me:

“Write a book.”

I had just experienced the miracle of God’s comfort after battling months of heartache and depression and heard His beautiful voice after He stayed silent for so long, and I was overwhelmed enough. Now he was telling me to write a book? Surely He hadn’t! Surely I heard wrong! Surely I was just getting overexcited! So I walked away from that moment basking in God’s presence and comfort and I ignored the whole silliness about writing a book.

And then Sunday came. During worship, a sweet friend come to me and said she wanted to pray for me. As she started praying, she began to prophesy over me. Now, let me explain that I’m Pentecostal, but I’ve had enough people speak ridiculous “words from the Lord” over me when I was growing up to make me super cautious and wary. But this young woman didn’t shout, “Thus says the Lord…” She began to tell me the words I had cried out to God days before—words she could not have known unless she was hearing from God. She even articulated prayers I thought in my heart but never uttered with my lips. And then she said, “There is a purpose for all your suffering. God has already begun to show you. You’ve seen the light of some of it, but there’s so much more than what you can see now.” She said it again and again: “There is purpose for your suffering.”

And as she spoke, I heard God whisper a single word into my soul: “Write.”

That word didn’t sound silly anymore; it sounded beautiful. It began sounding less like something I had to do because God said so and more like an amazing, Kingdom dream that I get to do because God birthed it in my heart. Birthed. What a funny word! Something was growing inside of me. Not the baby I expected, but something just as amazing.

And as I came to grips with this beautiful dream, I became overwhelmed with its impossibility. If I did this, it would be a gargantuan leap of faith, and I was scared. I don’t know much about getting a book published, but I know enough to know that I don’t have the right connections and I’m a nobody to the publishing world. And when I would remind God of this important information, He would remind me who He is: the Creator of the world, the One who spoke life into being, the One who works miracles. I just needed to keep my eyes on Him and walk in faith.

And in time, I began to see the steps before me. No leaps, just steps. And I took them one at a time. I journaled, then started blogging again, then started reading books about writing books. Each step has led to another. And as I take each one, this dream is looking less scary and God is looking larger.

There was one morning when I came to a point where I couldn’t see any more steps in front of me. I was drowning in the bigness of this dream and exclaimed, “God, I don’t know what I’m doing! I need a writing coach!” Later that morning, I was scrolling through social media and one of my favorite authors had a bunch of videos on Instagram Stories about how she was going to open her schedule to do some coaching calls. Talk about God’s timing! He totally delivered! Oh, and that coaching call ended up being one of the most encouraging and life-giving experiences of my life. It transformed my “I can’t do this,” into, “This is going to happen! God is really going to make this happen!”

This is going to happen. I’m actually doing it. I’m writing a book!

Embracing What God Says About Us

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Last Friday, I performed a concert at a women’s event and spoke about the lies we believe about ourselves and that if we want to flourish in our lives, then we must drown out the lies with truth by embracing what God says about usOne of the pieces I performed was Beethoven’s 32 Variations in C minor, WoO 80. Beethoven thought so little of it that he didn’t allow it to be published with an opus number. As I played this piece, projected on the screen behind me were the lies that we believe about ourselves and the truths of what God says about us:

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When Beethoven overheard someone playing this piece, he said,

“Such nonsense by me?”

Truth

The 32 Variations in C Minor quickly became popular. It is a masterpiece that is still performed over 200 years later.

Lie

My worth is dependent on how I compare to other people.

My worth is dependent on my performance.

I’m worthless. The world would be better off if I didn’t exist.

I’m not enough.

Truth

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” (Eph. 2:10 NLT)

Lie

I’m ugly.

I’m too fat. / I’m too skinny. / I’m not the right size.

Truth

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

(Psalm 139:14 NIV)

Lie

I am defined by my accomplishments.

Truth

I am defined by what Jesus has accomplished.

Lie

I am defined by my past.

Truth

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV)

Lie

I’ve messed up too badly. My sin is too big.

Truth

No one is un-redeemable. No sin is too big for the grace of God.

“This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.” (Colossians 1:21-22 NLT)

Lie

I’m too young. / I’m too old.

Truth

Miriam (Moses’ sister), David, and Mary were not too young to be used by God for great things.

Abraham and Sarah, Elizabeth, and Anna the prophetess were not too old to leave their mark on history.

Lie

Because I’m a woman, I’m less than a man.

I’m overbearing. My emotions are too much.

I’m bossy./I’m not assertive enough. My personality isn’t right.

Truth

I am created in the image of God.

So God created mankind in his own image,

in the image of God he created them;

male and female he created them.

God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.

(Genesis 1:27, 31 NIV)

“The Creator of the universe didn’t just love and speak us into being. He also called us good–the same word He called the massive, majestic oceans and the sun that lights our solar system and keeps us all sustained. (Jess Connolly, Wild and Free)

Lie

I’m not lovable. I don’t deserve God’s love.

Truth

I am loved.

God loves me so much that He died for me.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 NIV)

Lie

“But I’ll only be loved if I add value/have something to offer.”

Truth

Love is not about merit; love is about grace.

“This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins…Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first.” (1 John 4:10, 18-19 NLT)

Lie

God has overlooked me. I’ve been set aside.

Truth

I am handpicked by God. I am chosen. I am set apart for a purpose.

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” (Jeremiah 1:5 NLT)

Lie

I am insignificant and have nothing of value.

Truth

I am an heiress. (Titus 3:7; 1 Peter 3:7)

God is for me. (Romans 8:31)

I am part of a royal priesthood. (1 Peter 2:9)

Lie

I’m not important.

Truth

I’m God’s ambassador.

So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!” (2 Corinthians 5:20 NLT)

“We have been given great authority through Christ! We’re called to action! And that passage says it’s as if God is making His appeal through us! Ladies, you are not called to sit on your hands in silence. You are called by our great God to run wild into our culture, calling out an incredible message of life: ‘God loves you! World! God loves you and made a way for you! Come with me! You don’t have to live lost and alone! My Dad has a place for you! He sees you as His ultimate treasure!” (Jess Connolly, Wild and Free)

Lie

God doesn’t hear me when I pray.

Truth

“I cry aloud to God,
aloud to God, and he will hear me.” (Psalm 77:1 ESV)

“Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven.” (Daniel 10:12 NLT)

Lie

“Am I doing a good enough job at everything I’m doing? It needs to be perfect or else it is not effective. I’m not good enough.” -college student

“I struggled for a long time believing that I was unintelligent. It doesn’t seem to matter how well I did in school, I always felt like I was just getting lucky, or had to work too hard to “get it”, or that I was just a fake.  -a high school teacher who has a PhD

I’m not creative / inspiring / smart / strong enough.

Truth

“Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses…For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NLT)

Lie

I just can’t do what God is calling me to do.

Truth

“My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121:2 NIV)

Lie

I can’t take the next step until I have everything figured out and can see the entire path ahead of me.

Truth

God lights our path one step at a time. He reveals His way as we step out in faith. If you want to see what’s farther ahead, you have to take the next step.

Your road led through the sea, your pathway through the mighty waters— a pathway no one knew was there!” (Psalms 77:19 NLT)

Lie

“God doesn’t see me.”

Truth

I’m God’s treasure, the apple of His eye.

“Our standing has never wavered with our Father. Though the world has twisted what it means to be a daughter, His stance and His position toward us has absolutely stayed resolute.” (Jess Connolly, Wild and Free, p 33)

“I will be a Father to you,

and you will be my sons and daughters,

says the Lord Almighty.”

(2 Corinthians 6:18 NIV)

I am a daughter of God.

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Resources to Help You Preach Truth to Yourself

This devotional:

Always Enough, Never Too Much: 100 Devotions to Quit Comparing, Stop Hiding, and Start Living Wild and Free, by Jess Connolly and Hayley Morgan

This book that inspired the above devotional:

Wild and Free: A Hope-Filled Anthem for the Woman Who Feels She is Both Too Much and Never Enough, by Jess Connolly and Hayley Morgan

This little book you can carry in your purse:

Garden of Truth, by Ruth Chou Simons